Narcissist, Narcissism And Marriage – Why Narcissists Marry

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He's drug and alcohol dependant when he goes out and justifies his behaviour by saying if I hadn't said or done this it wouldn't of happened. Ironically, it is always too late. No contact is exactly what it sounds like: no contact whatsoever.

Unless the narcissistic abuser had other sources of narcissistic supply people who provided them a steady stream of attention, praise, admiration, resources, etc. Work on you focus on your recovery and you will see how much better you will be. However, in spite of giving the relationship 110%, nothing ever pleases the Narcissist, and the codependent is thrown to the gutter, resulting in enhanced feelings of unworthiness and self-reproach. Now that I am pretty sure I know what's going on, he has lost some of his power.

What Happens When a Narcissist Discards You

Before long, Miriam realized that Harry was instead easy to , self-centered, and controlling. When he began trying to tell her when she could talk to her friends—which was only in the increasingly rare moments when he did not need her to focus all of her attention on him—Miriam realized that something was wrong. But Harry was not ready to let go. He told me he was going to destroy my life. And when I started to walk out of the door, he went crazy. He tried to grab me, and started screaming and throwing things. But, as people who have been in cults led by malignant narcissists have found out, sometimes breaking up with such a person can be downright terrifying. This kind of explosiveness can result when one's already shaky internal stability is threatened. And it usually happens when the admiration and attention that provides some kind of balance for the person has dried up. It's often hard to tell whether someone is a pathological narcissist without getting to know them well, and even then you may not be able to tell if someone is going to explode when you stop being part of their admiring audience. All too often, enraged by challenges to their fantasy of omnipotence, they lead their followers on to acts of violence, against others or even against themselves. When it comes to political leaders, the history of the 20th century, the extreme nationalistic narcissism that proclaims the exclusive validity of one nation and the right to deny life and freedom to members of another; the mass murders perpetrated by its dictators—this horrific, tragic history is still being written, and still being perpetrated. As a narcissist further unravels, they can become more and more destructive, to themselves and to others. But once this kind of has been made, and a person has become a 'True Believer,' in Eric Hoffer's famous phrase, people will cling to the commitment they've made, no matter how crazy or destructive it would seem to others, as though their life depended on it. Research shows that it is important to get professional help to deal with malignant narcissists. Below is a partial list of potential resources, but it's also crucial to speak with someone outside of your group or separate from life with this person. Miriam got out of the situation with Harry early. Even so, Harry tried his best to be emotionally destructive. He called her friends and her boss, and made horrible comments about Miriam, screaming into the phone until they hung up. The entire post refers to male narcissists. Not only are the quotes offered, all about male narcissists, but the author herself makes reference only to male narcissists. I wonder whether the author of this post has any idea how egregious her post is. Screens shots of original post taken, as well as my response. Men were significantly more likely than women to meet criteria for narcissistic, antisocial, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorders as measured by the Personality Diagnostic Questionnaire--Revised and for narcissistic and obsessive-compulsive personality disorders as measured by the SCID-II. It's dangerous to underestimate narcissistic women in our society, yet there are so few people willing to explore the subject. It's what I want to read about, to find out more. Would you consider an article dedicated to narcissistic women? I've long suspected that there was something wrong with her but now I have definite confirmation. Men with this Borderline Personality Disorder may be more likely to become physically violent, which would explain why we hear about them far more often than their female counterparts. My father, who is no longer married to my mother knows that there is something very wrong with her but seems either unwilling or incapable of fully processing the fact that's was married to a paranoid narcissist for 17 years. I wasn't particularly outraged by your original post, but I certainly was not going to pass up an opportunity to exercise my newly acquired sensitivity to political correctness. It's such fun being self-righteously infuriated! As an aging white male, I revel in my newly-found ability to spot microaggressions, microinvalidations, sexism, racism and indeed anythingism. I enjoy being a grievance collector on the hunt! Thank you for your incisive and prolific output on so many varied subjects. That leads the children to be in the hands of her abuse and the father to be used to a tool to enforce her false image of perfect motherhood, which is actually anything but perfect considering it will always be about her entitlement needs. In an attempt to make sense of the extreme decisions and behaviors, I hope more people turn to analyzing this as a dangerous mental illness, rather than following along in a cult-like trance. In my opinion men are more likely to physically lash when they feel their false image is threatened whereas the narxisstic women are more likely to go on a SMEAR campaign to completely destroy your life one chip at a time, one colleague at a time, one insinuation at a time. It's time society talks about narcissism for what it is. It is not a male thing, it is not a woman thing. It is deep seated insecurity and self hate surrounded by selfish pride. I really wanna stress my point about female narcs with children, more than likely they sucker a good source of supply, aka a man who cares enough about the wounded child beneath her charming exterior trap him by purposefully getting pregnant not to his knowledge and then continue to use the child to make his life hell. Let me mention the child was not created to be something to love and be loved by, it was created for control. It's insidious, it really is. Narcissism is more than falling in love with yourself, it is creating a false reality and projecting the false reality into reality in attempt to skew it to fit the narcissists perfect little ideal false world where they are the most important thing to ever exist. Met one female Narc; an ex model, very entitled and destructive individual. Tis true, most of us cannot spot a malignant, or any sort of narcissist right away. Like all others, people unfold over time. Five years ago, a colleague, out of the blue, began pursuing me; he turned out to be not just a narcissist but a serial cheater and perhaps close to a socialized psychopath. Healing was a long, painful journey. Was in a meeting with him a week ago; observing just how caring and compassionate he can make himself appear. Could also tell how everyone else in the room bought it hook, line, and sinker. Some of these folk are really good at maintaining the facade. I have come to a conclusion that my mom who tends to show Narc at times of stress is an OCPD at the base, and its that one notices at first. The rage and the gaslighting and things like that seem to come out of absolute NOWHERE at the wierdest times... It might be one reason why men are easier to spot. Women of earlier generations might not have been allowed to develop certain key traits, at least not openly. But oh boy, can they wreck havock! And if someone doesn't see a doctor it doesn't mean they are not sick. Yet he is allowed supervised contact which will soon progress into unsupervised as he's a drama queen and can act really well when supervised. Who can get involve to diagnose and help a narc? All I am hearing is the person needs to sick help themselves, they don't because in their eyes they are perfect but what is the influence on children long term if not dealt with? If there is more than one child, inevitably there will be a favorite, but this will never be admitted because they are so darn tricky not to show favoritism openly. I was the no good kid because I reminded my dad of my mom. My sibling and my dad would often team up on me until I no longer wanted to participate in going to any outings and I became withdrawn. I would say withdrawal is an effect on children. I cried a lot. I always knew I was hated deep down but couldn't place my finger on what until my dad let it slip that I looked so much like my mom one day and then it just made sense, though I didn't see it because I didn't see myself as my mom because I was a kid, and kids know they are not an extension of their parents but a seperate human being. Theres a lot of things I haven't included because they are far Too specific and I would hate for them to see this. They pointed out all of my weaknesses, and because my skin burned easily they would endlessly make fun of me when my dad neglected to give me any sunscreen and I came back with third degree sunburns. My sibling used to hold me underwater at my neighbors pool by sitting on a raft above my head. I never told my dad because he would literally do nothing. I learned at a young age to fend for myself. Narcs turn their favorite kid on the other one, but the tables usually turn eventually when the golden child can't live up the the narcs expectations, and the scapegoat is usually much more motivated to prove the narc wrong or to just prove everyone wrong. I would say not to overlook anything, try to be there for your child if they are treated anything like I was. If you want to really get full custody, you need to get involved but do not get personal. Do not be a hands off parent. The long term effects are repressed anger. I have so much anger in me and I have repressed so many memories that everytime I get to talking about this I literally feel like killing them for the way I was treated. But this is un dealt with so I'm just telling you what it feels like for me because I have not dealt with this yet and I'm 23. My dad could turn into super dad in public, was great at fooling everyone, and eventually I got tired of playing along and that's when I got the full blown brunt of it all behind closed doors. The Narc will not hesitate to turn the others kid on the scapegoat so try to be aware of any bullying between kids going on, including blackmail. Let your kids know they can come to you with anything just try not to let your emotions get too involved as they may be scared to speak up because then the other kids will accuse YOU of picking favorites because there s a reason the narcissist picks a favorite, they are like THEM and not like YOU so they are good at subtle brainwashing to make them appear to dislike you. They want to sabotage. Document everything, I found a filing cabinet at my dads of documented things, things I cannot remember ever saying to him yet he had all these notecards of accusations I said about my mom being an bad parent. Know they are one step ahead of you all of the time and they will lie especially when the kids are small. Try to get a video or voice recording whenever you are around the narc every single time you interact because you never know what they are going to say and you need proof in case you ever need to go to court. If they say something inappropriate and you miss it just know you missed your chance, because they will DENY! Like I said document everything and cover your ass.... You probably made decisions that were destructive and feel defensive about them even under an alias. What is the point of picking up insults? What matters is what you yourself think of your life. You can't stand being a doormat? Time to get to work in therapy. And avoid relationships for a while. Yes, I'm being crass. Tl;dnr: Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Threats, screaming, telling seemingly wild stories, etc. All can be done by the victim if they've been pushed to the brink and if the MN is clever enough. I did all of these things and am not an MN. The intelligent MN knows how to induce psychosis in and form a malignant psychological bond with vulnerable people, making them lose their identity, rationality, and sanity. I have had to maintain anonymity and silence for a long time because of this. Any screaming done on my part was an attempt to get people close to him to believe me. It was honestly upsetting to read this article because of the close proximity to the date on which I did this, among a few other things. I'd encourage you to either write an article on how borderlines, c-ptsd, psychosis, and other conditions can be induced by the intelligent N or MN. The MN became a master chess player once I confessed love to him online, using little to no communication while neither confirming nor denying if he had feelings for me. He kept me as a friend online and used photomanipulation among other techniques to alter my state of mind and my vulnerable identity while taking advantage of my internet addiction and overactive imagination. I hear his voice speaking some of the words in my head even as I write this. If you had to go through this, you might scream too, doing whatever possible to escape this hell. I was married to one for years. I agree with anonymous above, while some narcissists can become violent, especially malignant ones, what makes narcissistic abuse very specific is that a very fundamental trait is arousing and producing emotion in their spouse. This is obtained by constant attention either good or bad. The thing is, no one can ever satisfy the narcissists needs because their needs exist in a vacuum. So no relationship with a narcissist can ever be a happy harmonious functional one. Narcissists are commonly misunderstood in society which makes it harder for them to be spotted. The personality type this article describes isn't necessarily narcissism but could fall under a range of antisocial personality disorders including psychopathy. I truly hope it is my last. Absolute nightmare that never should have happened, but fortunately, is now over. I believe this person had a parent with this disorder where they learned the behavior from birth; they were that good at manipulation. Please listen to to these professionals when they warn you how dangerous these individuals are. Their good looks and gracious behavior only mask their lies and warped sense of entitlement and reality. Run away-as fast as you possibly can. Do not feed into their obsession with hurting others in order to feel they are superior. Can you perhaps give more information in line with the title of the piece so we know what it looks like when one starts unraveling, as promised? You did a great job at describing how one acts and walking on eggshells but what about the melt-down? How does that happen? It gave me shivers. I was married to this person for 17 years, finally broke away 6 years ago, and he still tries his hardest to make life as difficult as possible for me our son is still under age at nearly every turn. People who have never been involved with MN have no idea. They think you're exaggerating for effect when describing things. It's very isolating sometimes. Thankfully, I've gotten healthy and now know that the problem wasn't my fault, that while I contributed to the shortcomings in the relationship, his actions and reactions aren't because of anything I've done. I'm glad to be largely away from this person, and am striving to teach my kids that his outlook isn't their outlook or their responsibility. Thanks for shedding light on this particular flavor of narcissism.

This is not the relationship the narcissist thought it was, you are not who they thought you were, and rather than realizing that their perception of people as well as their ideas about what relationships are all con wrong and warped beyond recognition, they blame you. More correctly, it's an object. They deserve a shot at life. HubPages Traffic Pixel This is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Men with this Borderline Personality Disorder may be more between to become physically violent, which would explain why we hear about them far more often than their female counterparts. My ex, who was of the not-so-bad-Narcissist school, is now saying things on FB that are very disturbing. He loved me like no other man had always sol me and now i think we r over he partys with younger and the street girls hede tell me there better than me at least they got payed i was a free whorei will never have nothing and i couldnt question him but he was always acusing me i am very north by trying so hard and nothing ever seemed to work then it was always my fault and i mean i couldnt ever love him what happened to covert narcissists in the end or bend but he did. Find assistance anywhere and everywhere — through domestic violence hotlines, lawyers, support groups, therapists, life coaches, books, elements — you name it, it can all be used to propel yourself towards healing and a brighter future. The desperation makes people uncomfortable, and even newer people shuffle away. I agree with you that there will never be a happy ending with these kinds of jesus. In the end, and just 20 days after breaking up with me she started dating someone else.